what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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