Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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