I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
