I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
