I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
No more Irish car bombs ever.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize