Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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