I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
