you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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