drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
