remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
