ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
