you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
