i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
