Your dad touched me again.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
