She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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