I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
