I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
