I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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