remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
