I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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