The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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