My pussy is not your playground.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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