Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
