I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
