if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
