There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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