I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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