I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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