operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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