so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
