He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
