I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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