remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
ttyl tear gas
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
