And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
