we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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