I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
