If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize
