If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
