Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I am available for nakedness
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
