i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
