Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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