my mouth tastes like poor choices
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Randomize
