Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
