I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
