sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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