I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
birth control should be required to get into college
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
