it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
