At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
