he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
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