Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
did i walk over a car last night?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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