We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
