You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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