my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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