He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Randomize
