Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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