I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
