I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
