I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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