I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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