ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Drunk is not a location!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
