wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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