everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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