My Higher Power is John Stamos
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
