You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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