To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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